Edgey poo's evening
by Rollingsushi
Summary: Amidst his peaceful and perfect evening, Edgeworth receives an unwanted visitor at his door who was none other than Ms. Oldbag. Who will save his perfect evening? Could it be — can it be…! Hilarity-ensured.


A/N: I don't own Phoenix Wright (~sigh~) but I own this crack-fic here (smirk)

Amidst his peaceful evening, Edgeworth receives an unwanted visitor at his door who was none other than Ms. Oldbag. Who will save his perfect evening? Could it be — can it be…

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It was a peaceful and lovely evening for a well-deserved break of delectable, high-class tea and sweet cakes. Edgeworth sat at his desk, sipping his tea slowly and admiring his wonderful and stylishly-furnished office. The books on his shelf were perfectly aligned and ordered, the carpet on the floor was spotless and symmetrical – his whole room was perfect in every way. It smelt clean and refreshing, and was overall visually pleasing. Of course, the office wouldn't be "perfect" without the "perfect" prosecutor sitting at his desk, sipping his evening tea, happily minding his own business. Everything was as he wanted – peace and quiet, alone in the office.

Of course, such tranquility was bound to be disrupted by an individual.

Loud trampling noises could be heard outside of Edgeworth's office, stopping right in front of his door. He heard a few, almost seemingly desperate, knocks at his door. Edgeworth tried to ignore the annoying individual at his door and continued sipping his delightfully sweet tea, that was, until he heard a startling familiar voice.

"EDGEY-POOOO, I know you're in there~"

Edgeworth could picture the love hearts that came along with that one sentence. He felt his body shiver violently upon hearing that voice. That raspy, horrific, haunting voice…it could only belong to Ms. Oldbag.

"My sweet, pumpkin-wumpkin Edgey-poo~~ I know you're in there! That unshaven detective in rags told me you were in here!"

_Damn you Detective Gumshoe! Why can't you keep you're mouth shut! You will surely be getting another harsh pay-cut next Monday._

Edgeworth kept silent and unmoved, hoping with all his might that Ms. Old Space Granny would grow tired of waiting and leave him alone. It didn't happen.

"I'm coming in~~"

"GOD NO! I am NOT in here!" Edgeworth was about to get on his feet and run towards the door to lock it but Ms Oldbag had already flung the door wide opened.

"Ohoho, I knew my sweet pumpkin mumkins was in here! You don't have to hide from me, your biggest fan!" Ms Oldbag blushed and waved at Edgeworth, who was with no doubt about to pass out.

_Oh, good lord I DO NOT WANT to deal with this crazy old granny right now._

"Ms Old Gran- err – Oldbag, as you can see I'm very busy at the moment," Edgeworth looked passed his shoulders to what he thought would be case papers but he forgot he had already finished with them and had filed them away. His desk was bare with nothing but a plate and tea cup on it. _Oh shit, no excuses now…_

"What are you talking about? Ohoho, eating cakes and drinking tea, ehh?? Oh that is so you, Edgey-poo."

_If she calls me Edgey-poo one more time…_

"Please, I do NOT have the time to deal with your nonsense today. I am really tired today. If the matter can wait for tomorrow then I'll be happy to talk with you about it tomorrow." _Looks like I'll be staying home tomorrow…_

To Edgeworth's dismay, Ms Oldbag remained where she was, gleaming brighter than before. He was much too distracted previously to have noticed Oldbag's silly spacesuit costume and blue sweater. It looked god awful, especially in his perfect office. She stuck out like a sore thumb.

"Oh Edgey~~ this is perfect then. It's really important so I'll say it to you now."

_Oh, jesus…here it comes…_

"I want you to have my babies~~"

Edgeworth could hear his own soul ripping in half. He couldn't even begin comprehending how…outrageous and ridiculous that request was. He sighed and pointed out towards the door. "Please get out of my office. I don't have time for you nor your ridiculous ideas."

She gasped in horror and pulled out her toy gun. _KATA-KATA-KATA… _"Why Edgey-poo I never thought you'd say such a rude thing to your elders. Don't tell me you're the same as those other whippersnappers??"

_Oh god, please don't compare me with-_

"Ms Oldbag, please leave me be. I'm sorry but I REALLY don't have time for your –ahem- silly jokes-"

"Oh no, no, no! It wasn't a joke," she flopped her hand in an 'I'm kidding' gesture, chuckling away. "I was being serious! Since I'm your biggest fan and all, I want YOU to bear my children."

Edgeworth couldn't keep it in any longer. His mind and soul couldn't mentally take it anymore. "Jesus Christ woman! Do you even know what you're saying!? Who do you think you're talking to?! And- and just what on Earth are you leading me into with that outrageous request?!"

Just as he finished, someone else had popped into his office, smiling curiously at Edgeworth. It was a certain defense attorney in blue, looking dashing like always with his slick hair and all. He waved at Edgeworth. "Hey Miles! What's gotten your panties in a knot?"

Edgeworth felt relieved beyond words as his eyes met with Phoenix's. "Wright! Help me out here!" He nodded towards Oldbag, hoping fervently for Phoenix to do something about this mad space granny in front of him. Phoenix glanced at Ms Oldbag and then back to Edgeworth, snickering under his breath.

"What are you doing here whippersnapper!?" She snapped at Phoenix who stepped back alarmed. "You young-uns never learn proper respect from your parents! Don't you know that you must knock before entering a gentleman's residence."

Edgeworth's eye twitched. She was really getting on his nerves. "Phoenix, please do something about her." _Chase her away or something! Anything, ANYTHING will do! Just get her out of my sight!_

"Well, erm Ms Oldbag," Phoenix shuffled to the side, rubbing the back of his head as he did, "I'm sure that-"

"What was that whippersnapper!? You rascals these days! Even towards an elder, you show absolutely no respect! Just in the supermarket the other day, I had to tolerate a group of these snotty brats at the counter and boy, if I was still a security guard and had retained my baton, why I'd pound those young-uns in like a squished pancake but of course a certain whippersnapper made me quit my old job and--"

_Oh my- Just shut up already!_

Phoenix had made his way towards Edgeworth and stood by his side, whispering something into his ears. "Hey, if you want to get out of this situation, just follow my lead."

_Oh this can't be good…_ "Alright Wright. Anything…I'll do anything if it means getting rid of that annoying…thing."

"Ms. Oldbag," Phoenix spoke directly to her, "You may not have noticed already but Edgeworth has an appointment with me right now and-"

"Oh surely it can't be something my ears can't take. I'll just sit over there and wait-"

"Goddamnit woma--"

Phoenix tugged at Edgeworth's sleeve and hushed him. He turned back to Ms Oldbag. "Well, actually it's a private matter and only me and Miles are supposed to know about it."

"Hurumph! Well I have to speak with him about a very private matter as well so that makes two of us!"

"But he made an appointment with me at this time so-"

"You arrived too late then! He must tend to MY matters right now so be off with you whippersnapper!"

Edgeworth already gave up and was looking around for a space to crawl into. He sighed heavily, making sure both Ms Oldbag and Phoenix could hear it. "Look here you," he glared threateningly at Ms Oldbag, "I didn't ask for your presence or your company here. I told you already—if it's not important then I don't--"

"Oh but Edgey-poo, I told YOU already! I want you to bear my children!"

Phoenix gagged and hunched over, laughing as if there was no tomorrow. "Really Miles? She –pff- asked you to have her children??" He toppled over in tears from laughter, aggravating Edgeworth further.

_Reminder to self: Never ask Wright for help again._

Ms Oldbag croaked. "Oii, what's so funny whippersnapper!? I am being quite serious!!"

_Which is why it's funny…for him_.

Edgeworth had enough with this crazy farce. He slammed his fist on the table and pointed accusingly at Oldbag. "Ms Oldbag! I've just about had enough with you! Either make your way out of my office now or I will show you no mercy!"

"Why Edgey-poo! I never…" She frowned and flapped her hands to her face. "I just thought you wanted to have my childr--"

"No! Stop! I don't want anyone's children, ESPECIALLY yours!"

Edgeworth felt a tugging at his legs and looked down to Phoenix. He pouted his face, wrinkling his eyebrows and then smiled jokingly. _Goddamnit Wright. You and your…stupid…_ he could feel his face burning up but he quickly regained posture and confronted Oldbag again.

"I'll call security if you don't make an exit right now!"

"Oh, Edgey-poo, that was the other thing I was supposed to tell you. I AM your security."

The last remnants of Edgeworth's soul crumbled away. He felt his legs give way as he collapsed to the floor but Phoenix caught him in time. He held onto the edge of the desk, trying to make sense of the bizarre situation again.

_She wants me to have her children...sure that's avoidable, but JESUS CHRIST SHE'S ALSO MY SECURITY NOW??!_

"I…can't do this anymore…"

Phoenix patted his shoulder, trying to calm him down. He would've laughed but this wasn't exactly a laughing matter. Edgeworth seemed to be trapped in his own world of despair now and was desperately finding a way out. If only there was a way to drive Ms Oldbag away from Edgeworth AND prevent her from coming in as his "security".

It suddenly hit Phoenix. The perfect full proof idea.

"Edgeworth, you okay?"

"Uhhh…" he mumbled incoherently and hopelessly. "…my…life is over…"

Phoenix began muttering to himself. "Hmm…evidence is everything…if we show Oldbag something revealing she may leave and never come back." He took a deep breath and tugged Edgeworth. "Get up! We'll clear this problem up in no time.

"Oii you whippersnapper! You're getting on my nerves now!" Oldbag furiously stamped her foot on the ground. "Leave Edgey-poo alone!"

"No Ms Oldbag! I can't leave him alone! And do you know why?" Phoenix took Edgeworth by the hand and embraced him awkwardly, wrapping his arms uncomfortably around him. He could feel Edgeworth flinch at this but Phoenix didn't let go.

"Wright! What are you--?!" He was cut off when Phoenix kissed him on the lips forcefully. The searing heat from Phoenix's lips was what tipped Edgeworth off. His body became petrified and he could see the world spinning before his eyes.

_My saneness is disappearing…disappearing…aaaand it's gone._

When all hope was lost Edgeworth's scarred soul, or whatever was left of it, suddenly lit up when he heard Oldbag screaming in disgust. "You—YOU WHIPPERSNAPPER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

_Oh I see…this might work then._

"Wright…" Edgeworth managed to say after their lips broke apart. He blushed upon saying it, sneaking a peak towards Ms Oldbag, who was in no doubt, outraged and confused. "Wright…more…"

_This is all for a greater cause, all for a greater cause, all for a greater cause…_

Phoenix moved closer to Edgeworth again, lips parted and kissed him again but this time he even slipped his tongue inside Edgeworth's mouth. _OH GOD THIS IS GOING TOO FAR!! _He winced and pulled back away from Phoenix, but unfortunately the spiky-headed lawyer didn't let go of him. He deepened the kiss, grabbing Edgeworth's arm and pulling him closer. Heat coursed through his body as he reluctantly blushed.

_After this I'm going to kill you Wright!_

Their lips broke apart again when Oldbag screamed, this time running for the door as she did. She fled and slammed the door shut, running for her dear life away from Edgeworth's office. He could already feel his shattered soul coming back to him… but when he remembered the kiss Phoenix gave him, his soul retreated. _But look at the bright side…SHE'S FINALLY GONE!!_

"Oh thank god," Edgeworth sighed in relief, shrugging Phoenix off him. "The deed is done, now get off me."

"Okay, okay." Phoenix let go of him and started laughing. "Oh dear, that was hilarious. You should've seen your own face when I kissed you."

"Wright, that was no laughing matter." Edgeworth rubbed his lips and glowered at Phoenix. "And there was absolutely no need to –ahem- your…tongue."

"Oh sorry about that. Just wanted to make it look real." He chuckled uneasily and rubbed the back of his neck. Edgeworth thought that there was something about his smirk that seemed a little off but he couldn't care less. After all, the biggest threat to his life had finally disappeared.

"Wright you have my sincerest thanks. You really saved me back there, even if it was slightly out of character."

Phoenix laughed, placing his hands to his waist. "Oh come on, it's not like it was your first kiss or anything."

"…"

"NO WAY! It…It was?!" Phoenix covered his mouth, hiding his beet red face. It was suddenly silent in the office, creating discomfort in the atmosphere. Edgeworth suddenly felt as if his office had lost its "perfection". _Oh well_.

"Wright please, don't act like a child. Even I'm acting more mature on this matter."

_Though it's still embarrassing to think my first kiss was a man's…Wright's even. At least it wasn't a certain old granny in a spacesuit._ He shuddered at the thought of it.

Edgeworth made his way back to his seat, back to his tea which was now cold. _It was time to make a new cup of tea. _"Hmm, Wright since you're here as well, might it please you to have a cup of tea with me."

Phoenix's eyes lit up. "Sure, why not!"


End file.
